Wednesday, February 29, 2012

big decisions and little vacations

Is it only Tuesday? My brain feels like it's been in the Olympics for weeks! It deserves a medal for all the twists and turns and complicated maneuvers its been doing. I'd hoist it up on my shoulders and parade it around, but it's already up there. Good work, brain. Hang in there for 3 more days...and the rest of the school year.

Been really self-reflective lately and lost in thought about what I want to do in ~the future~. I'm conflicted about a lot of things. I threw away much of my youth being a SUPER-STUDENT in college, giving myself no time to do the things that I think are valid and important to growing as a blossoming individual. There were (are?!) depressingly few parties in my young repertoire, and a nearly complete lack of reckless behavior. I have been acting like a mini-adult since I was 18, working and teaching and studying my ass off for...what? I mean, come on, it's pretty crazy that I'm teaching high school at the age of 21. Pretty sure I was in high school myself only 4 years ago.

I think the problem is that I am totally capable of doing these things, regardless of my age, and it's my ability to that I mix up with my responsibility to. Sure, I am a totally on-the-ball high school special education teacher⎯but why did I feel the need to sign a contract for a career, 40-hour-a-week, grown up job before I was even able to legally buy a drink (because, yes, I was interviewed for this job when I was 20)? I really care about this school, and the people I work with, and the kids I teach, and the mission of this movement. I care about all these things so much that I continue to do this, even though I'm not sure it's good for my personal/mental development or my health. I don't know how long I can keep it up.

So I've been mulling over some really difficult stuff, because it's starting to hit me that I'm so young, and still, I won't be young forever. Is this the best thing for me to be doing? Can, or should, I continue to sacrifice parts of my life? I don't know. But this is what I'm thinking about. It's not the school, or the kids, or my peers. It's just me. I need time to be young. I don't know when I can take that time, or if I can without feeling selfish or silly or shallow-minded. Big decisions, and I'm a bit overwhelmed. I know I am privileged to have a job, and recognize that these choices were choices I made on my own, but these things do not do much to change how I am feeling currently. Le sigh.

But, on a more pleasant note, my trip last week was really enjoyable. I've got icky-gross-yucky TFA teacher class tonight, but I thought I'd post some Instagram pictures from the trip as part of this ongoing "Leila-went-on-February-break" series. :)

 can you read it? it says "I ♥ you" in the sand!


 Monterey Aquarium!

kind of messed up to eat seafood after visiting an aquarium, was really good.

 hostel breakfast condiments


1 comment :

  1. Aaw look at you hanging out with Harry Potter footprints! That's so cool. I hope you get to figure out what you want to do! For the past couple of years I've been wishing that I did my degree as soon as I left school, because then I would have started a teaching job at 20/21. But I sort of put off study for five years and did other things instead. I didn't really do anything important, I just screwed around for ages because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I'm 23 now and will finish my degree when I'm 25. I think if I had my time again I would do what you have done and go to study straight out of school, and then start my career young. That way at least you are financially stable and have plenty of time to change your mind because you're still so young. That turned into quite the essay but I just wanted to say that I really envy you! Good luck :)


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