Been really self-reflective lately and lost in thought about what I want to do in ~the future~. I'm conflicted about a lot of things. I threw away much of my youth being a SUPER-STUDENT in college, giving myself no time to do the things that I think are valid and important to growing as a blossoming individual. There were (are?!) depressingly few parties in my young repertoire, and a nearly complete lack of reckless behavior. I have been acting like a mini-adult since I was 18, working and teaching and studying my ass off for...what? I mean, come on, it's pretty crazy that I'm teaching high school at the age of 21. Pretty sure I was in high school myself only 4 years ago.
I think the problem is that I am totally capable of doing these things, regardless of my age, and it's my ability to that I mix up with my responsibility to. Sure, I am a totally on-the-ball high school special education teacher⎯but why did I feel the need to sign a contract for a career, 40-hour-a-week, grown up job before I was even able to legally buy a drink (because, yes, I was interviewed for this job when I was 20)? I really care about this school, and the people I work with, and the kids I teach, and the mission of this movement. I care about all these things so much that I continue to do this, even though I'm not sure it's good for my personal/mental development or my health. I don't know how long I can keep it up.
So I've been mulling over some really difficult stuff, because it's starting to hit me that I'm so young, and still, I won't be young forever. Is this the best thing for me to be doing? Can, or should, I continue to sacrifice parts of my life? I don't know. But this is what I'm thinking about. It's not the school, or the kids, or my peers. It's just me. I need time to be young. I don't know when I can take that time, or if I can without feeling selfish or silly or shallow-minded. Big decisions, and I'm a bit overwhelmed. I know I am privileged to have a job, and recognize that these choices were choices I made on my own, but these things do not do much to change how I am feeling currently. Le sigh.
But, on a more pleasant note, my trip last week was really enjoyable. I've got icky-gross-yucky TFA teacher class tonight, but I thought I'd post some Instagram pictures from the trip as part of this ongoing "Leila-went-on-February-break" series. :)
can you read it? it says "I ♥ you" in the sand!
kind of messed up to eat seafood after visiting an aquarium, but....it was really good.
hostel breakfast condiments