Saturday, September 28, 2013

what is enough


Something I struggle with frequently is acceptance. Not acceptance of other people or ideas, but of circumstances relating to myself. I am a harsh self-critic. I am painfully anxious, and I always am tormented by the idea that something could have gone better—I could have woken up earlier to get more done that morning, I should have not bought both lettuce and spinach because one will surely wilt, I should've worn a different pair of shoes, I should have called, I shouldn't have mentioned it, I shouldn't have eaten that, I should have, I shouldn't have, done this, this, this. 

I worry, frequently, that I am not doing enough. I wonder about other lives I could have lived. Should I have spent more or less time working? Should I have gone to grad school? Should I be traveling? Should I be married? Doubting yourself and your choices is the easiest thing in the world. It's made exponentially easier when you have access to everyone else's beautiful, curated lives through Facebook and Instagram. I know I'm getting older (not old, but certainly older) and something about it triggers these irrational fears that I am not doing or being enough.

Someone close to me told me I don't live in the moment, and though I started to argue, I soon realized that they were right. I spend so much time worrying about what could be, or what was, that I ignore what is. Instead of accepting (and enjoying) the life I'm currently living, I'm always considering improvements. I think it's time I give myself permission to accept the life I live. I need to be okay with the fact it will not always be glamorous. Yes, I still have to wrestle with health issues and doctors, yes I wish I lived closer to Henrik and my family, yes I am broke, yes I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but it's okay! Sometimes you have to just step back and shrug and say, "It is what it is." This is the life I have. Instead of worrying about what it could be, I want to start appreciating it for what it is. It is enough.

5 comments :

  1. Really enjoyed reading this. I often compare myself to the other people around me and feel the need to be more successful, more talented, more than I am. It definitely pays to be happy with where you are in the now.

    Rachel

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love reading this, it's how I've been feeling in a nutshell. I constantly compare myself to other people, especially those online who seem to have these perfect lives that they're able to document in such an articulate way, it makes me so jealous. I need to just enjoy what I've got and appreciate it all. Stop comparing myself to others and be content with myself and what I'm working on, whether it could be improved or not, I'll learn that down the line and improve on myself. Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i relate to this so much... especially the "should've" part. it usually takes a lot of positive self-talk for me every day to feel like i'm doing and have done enough.

    xx
    Chantilly

    ReplyDelete
  4. Such a great and powerful post. We all can relate!

    ReplyDelete

Comments make my day⎯really! I love reading what you have to say. Hope to hear from you. :)

Best,
Leila

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