Saturday, September 28, 2013

what is enough

Something I struggle with frequently is acceptance. Not acceptance of other people or ideas, but of circumstances relating to myself. I am a harsh self-critic. I am painfully anxious, and I always am tormented by the idea that something could have gone better—I could have woken up earlier to get more done that morning, I should have not bought both lettuce and spinach because one will surely wilt, I should've worn a different pair of shoes, I should have called, I shouldn't have mentioned it, I shouldn't have eaten that, I should have, I shouldn't have, done this, this, this. 

I worry, frequently, that I am not doing enough. I wonder about other lives I could have lived. Should I have spent more or less time working? Should I have gone to grad school? Should I be traveling? Should I be married? Doubting yourself and your choices is the easiest thing in the world. It's made exponentially easier when you have access to everyone else's beautiful, curated lives through Facebook and Instagram. I know I'm getting older (not old, but certainly older) and something about it triggers these irrational fears that I am not doing or being enough.

Someone close to me told me I don't live in the moment, and though I started to argue, I soon realized that they were right. I spend so much time worrying about what could be, or what was, that I ignore what is. Instead of accepting (and enjoying) the life I'm currently living, I'm always considering improvements. I think it's time I give myself permission to accept the life I live. I need to be okay with the fact it will not always be glamorous. Yes, I still have to wrestle with health issues and doctors, yes I wish I lived closer to Henrik and my family, yes I am broke, yes I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but it's okay! Sometimes you have to just step back and shrug and say, "It is what it is." This is the life I have. Instead of worrying about what it could be, I want to start appreciating it for what it is. It is enough.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

paws and fathers

Went thrifting last weekend for the first time since Henrik left! Boy, it's been a while. I had a bit of a "womp womp" experience the other day at a resale shop (picture just rows and rows of polos, and that about sums up my nightmare), so I was eager to hit up some real second-hand spots with some girls from the MFA program. Both places were filled with interesting treasures, making for a great Saturday. There's something about going into thrift stores that feels like going back in time; it truly is like entering an alternate world where time stands still.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

party time

shorts: h&m ~ blouse: urban outfitters ~ plaid shirt: thrifted ~ shoes: doc martens

This is what I wore BEFORE it started pouring rain by the bucketful. My actual party attire was somewhat altered (think sweater+pants, and imagine me drenched with wilting hair). That aside, I had a great time bonding with the other English graduate students. When I was an undergraduate, I was horribly anti-sociala real workaholic—so coming out of my homebodiness is a new thing for me. I think this change is good for me! I certainly have enjoyed getting to know everyone.


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