Something I struggle with frequently is acceptance. Not acceptance of other people or ideas, but of circumstances relating to myself. I am a harsh self-critic. I am painfully anxious, and I always am tormented by the idea that something could have gone better—I could have woken up earlier to get more done that morning, I should have not bought both lettuce and spinach because one will surely wilt, I should've worn a different pair of shoes, I should have called, I shouldn't have mentioned it, I shouldn't have eaten that, I should have, I shouldn't have, done this, this, this.
I worry, frequently, that I am not doing enough. I wonder about other lives I could have lived. Should I have spent more or less time working? Should I have gone to grad school? Should I be traveling? Should I be married? Doubting yourself and your choices is the easiest thing in the world. It's made exponentially easier when you have access to everyone else's beautiful, curated lives through Facebook and Instagram. I know I'm getting older (not old, but certainly older) and something about it triggers these irrational fears that I am not doing or being enough.
Someone close to me told me I don't live in the moment, and though I started to argue, I soon realized that they were right. I spend so much time worrying about what could be, or what was, that I ignore what is. Instead of accepting (and enjoying) the life I'm currently living, I'm always considering improvements. I think it's time I give myself permission to accept the life I live. I need to be okay with the fact it will not always be glamorous. Yes, I still have to wrestle with health issues and doctors, yes I wish I lived closer to Henrik and my family, yes I am broke, yes I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but it's okay! Sometimes you have to just step back and shrug and say, "It is what it is." This is the life I have. Instead of worrying about what it could be, I want to start appreciating it for what it is. It is enough.